Plants Suck
Plants are so boring. Seriously, like what do they do all day? They just sit around chilling in the sunlight, sipping on Mai tais and blowing tons of cash on hookers and weed. I know all you botanists out there are probably like “Dude, what the hell? Plants are awesome! They run photosynthesis with their gills, produce oxygen in their organs and pump pollen through their veins.” I am not impressed.
Let me first explain where my hatred of plants stems. I can’t believe I just said “stems.” A few summers ago I was meandering through a field of poppies, minding my own business, when I heard a little ruckus. I do not like ruckuses. I was not quite sure what this ruckus was, but it sounded as if it were coming from the poppies! I turned my view groundwards to observe an entire field of poppies just chilling, sipping Mai tais and graphically pollinating each other like the sex fiends they are.
“Hey, what are you looking at, human?” A vibrant, pink poppy demanded in a raspy scowl.
Was this poppy really talking to me? I rubbed my eyes in disbelief.
“Yes I’m really talking to you, Dumbass. Quit trampling all over my buddies with your bipedal locomotion, get the hell out of our poppy field and meander elsewhere.” The poppy shook a menacing fist in my direction, growled, and spit a loogie on my shoe. Another mischievous poppy grabbed the shoelaces of my two shoes and vigorously knotted them together while I was talking to the pink poppy. He probably thought he was so funny.
I was surely not in the mood for a conflict with poppies, so I turned and left their turf shriveled and defeated. Unfortunately, my first step was connected to my second by a shoelace, which caused me to tumble down the poppy-covered-hill. Some of the poppies laughed at me, but others were dead because I rolled over them. Suckers. Anyways, I could not believe how rude and impolite the poppies were and I have hated plants ever since.
There are, however, several exceptions to my hatred of the Kingdom Plantae.
Exception 1: The cactus. The cactus has sharp spikes for self-defense against herbivores, to prevent people desperately wandering through the desert in search of an oasis from sucking the water out of cactus stems when they become desperate, dehydrated and delirious, and for various sentimental reasons. Sharp, violent spikes have got to be the most badass morphological adaptation that plants could invent. The spikes of the cactus are actually the leaves of the plant. This is an interesting adaptation to ponder because in most plants, the leaves run the majority of photosynthetic processes. However, in the case of the cactus, the leaves are the sharp, spiny structures and function primarily for defensive purposes while the stems are enlarged, thick, green and rich in photosynthetic chlorophyll. My English teacher during my senior year of high school once told us a story about how a waiter at Chili’s accidentally knocked a cactus plant off of a ledge with his elbow, causing the cactus and its sharp spines to fall and lodge itself into my teacher’s head. What other type of plant could do something like that?
Exception 2: Plants with Mind-Altering effects: This exception is obvious and needs no further explanation.
Exception 3: The Venus Fly Trap. Have you guys ever seen Little Shop of Horrors? It’s this musical about this florist dude (Who I am pretty sure is played by Rick Moranis,) who creates this carnivorous plant that sings and dances and feasts upon the flesh of humans. What the hell ever happened to Rick Moranis? He was one of my favorite childhood actors. Anyways, the plant ate human flesh! Now, I read in a book that Mother Nature watched Little Shop of Horrors and attempted to create a carnivorous plant that dined upon human flesh, but was unsuccessful. However, she was successful in creating a carnivorous plant that dined upon insect flesh. The Venus Fly trap uses its gravitational tractor beam to suck in flies and other little bugs to suck the living nitrogen out of them, digest them and then poop them out. Oh, what? A meat-eating plant isn’t impressive enough for you? In my book it is. And, if that isn’t cool enough, the Venus Fly Trap is from fucking the planet Venus.
- Matt Hirakawa
Let me first explain where my hatred of plants stems. I can’t believe I just said “stems.” A few summers ago I was meandering through a field of poppies, minding my own business, when I heard a little ruckus. I do not like ruckuses. I was not quite sure what this ruckus was, but it sounded as if it were coming from the poppies! I turned my view groundwards to observe an entire field of poppies just chilling, sipping Mai tais and graphically pollinating each other like the sex fiends they are.
“Hey, what are you looking at, human?” A vibrant, pink poppy demanded in a raspy scowl.
Was this poppy really talking to me? I rubbed my eyes in disbelief.
“Yes I’m really talking to you, Dumbass. Quit trampling all over my buddies with your bipedal locomotion, get the hell out of our poppy field and meander elsewhere.” The poppy shook a menacing fist in my direction, growled, and spit a loogie on my shoe. Another mischievous poppy grabbed the shoelaces of my two shoes and vigorously knotted them together while I was talking to the pink poppy. He probably thought he was so funny.
I was surely not in the mood for a conflict with poppies, so I turned and left their turf shriveled and defeated. Unfortunately, my first step was connected to my second by a shoelace, which caused me to tumble down the poppy-covered-hill. Some of the poppies laughed at me, but others were dead because I rolled over them. Suckers. Anyways, I could not believe how rude and impolite the poppies were and I have hated plants ever since.
There are, however, several exceptions to my hatred of the Kingdom Plantae.
Exception 1: The cactus. The cactus has sharp spikes for self-defense against herbivores, to prevent people desperately wandering through the desert in search of an oasis from sucking the water out of cactus stems when they become desperate, dehydrated and delirious, and for various sentimental reasons. Sharp, violent spikes have got to be the most badass morphological adaptation that plants could invent. The spikes of the cactus are actually the leaves of the plant. This is an interesting adaptation to ponder because in most plants, the leaves run the majority of photosynthetic processes. However, in the case of the cactus, the leaves are the sharp, spiny structures and function primarily for defensive purposes while the stems are enlarged, thick, green and rich in photosynthetic chlorophyll. My English teacher during my senior year of high school once told us a story about how a waiter at Chili’s accidentally knocked a cactus plant off of a ledge with his elbow, causing the cactus and its sharp spines to fall and lodge itself into my teacher’s head. What other type of plant could do something like that?
Exception 2: Plants with Mind-Altering effects: This exception is obvious and needs no further explanation.
Exception 3: The Venus Fly Trap. Have you guys ever seen Little Shop of Horrors? It’s this musical about this florist dude (Who I am pretty sure is played by Rick Moranis,) who creates this carnivorous plant that sings and dances and feasts upon the flesh of humans. What the hell ever happened to Rick Moranis? He was one of my favorite childhood actors. Anyways, the plant ate human flesh! Now, I read in a book that Mother Nature watched Little Shop of Horrors and attempted to create a carnivorous plant that dined upon human flesh, but was unsuccessful. However, she was successful in creating a carnivorous plant that dined upon insect flesh. The Venus Fly trap uses its gravitational tractor beam to suck in flies and other little bugs to suck the living nitrogen out of them, digest them and then poop them out. Oh, what? A meat-eating plant isn’t impressive enough for you? In my book it is. And, if that isn’t cool enough, the Venus Fly Trap is from fucking the planet Venus.
- Matt Hirakawa
5 Comments:
i am amazed by how awesome this article is
Excellent!!!!
I second that! It's awesome!
Every word of this article is pure GOLD!
So then, would poppies be an exception to your second exception?
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